Today I Cried….
Today I cried for the first time since being told that I have MS.
Does this make me a liar because of the words I have written about strength and facing this like a Warrior? Not at all! This has been a journey I have never experienced, and every word I have ever typed and shared has been from my heart and truthfully what I was feeling.
BUT how did I go 38 days without shedding a tear?
My emotional being had been in total denial the entire time….and I had no idea. I truly felt so strong! I really felt a Warrior being born within me. I was not once paralyzed by fear. The fear was there, but it propelled me. I always felt ready for the battle that was before me. Mentally, I researched and prepared myself the best I could. Spiritually, I was prayed up and had my armor on. Physically, I began to change my diet, take supplements, and make whatever physical changes needed to fight this giant. I felt joy! I felt strength! I truly felt the Warrior growing deep within, BUT then it suddenly and unexpectedly happened…..
I was sitting on my couch preparing to start my day. I then received a Facebook message that suddenly made my walls of emotional denial crumble around me…exposing my heart to the anger, hurt, and frustration that I had subconsciously been battling. The idea that I was OK and had risen above this diagnosis suddenly vanished, as my heart was struck with the reality that I had not fully accepted MS. I had accepted it physically, mentally, and spiritually. BUT my emotional being had not allowed it to be a reality yet. I began to weep and feel so weak and broken. I called my mom, and she helped me process through the emotions that were overcoming me. I realized that over the last 38 days while facing and fighting my giant, I was also trying to emotionally believe that it didn’t exist. I would try to bargain and make deals with MS. I would try to talk my body out of having it. I would play with the thoughts that I was misdiagnosed and that something else caused my 15 new friends in my brain. I would try to convince myself that it was all in my head and I just needed to start acting and feeling “normal” and then I would be.
As the tears flowed, my heart began to emotionally accept my new reality. Then the feelings of peace, strength, and joy began to fall over me once again. A sense of freedom rushed through me as my entire being began the process of full acceptance of this next season. Please know that just because your mind says one thing while your heart feels another, you are not a liar and you are not full of crap. You are simply human and there will be moments that our entire being is not in line with itself. But if we will dig deep and make sure our physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual being fell in alignment, we will experience true freedom.
So today, I fully accepted MS. Today I allowed tears to fall as I processed truth. Today I feared for the first time what the future may look like. BUT with my acceptance comes more fight! With the end of denial comes moving forward! With fear, I will be propelled into the purpose God has for this journey. I know that my Father has caught each tear that has fallen, and He will use them to water the seeds of perseverance, positivity, and strength that are within me.
