Today, I was told I have MS…
My phone rang at 8:15am and it was an unknown 479 number. I always answer those, but was not expecting it to be my doctor this soon. I had my two MRIs the day before. It hadn’t even been 24 hours yet, and I was told it could be the end of the week before I hear anything.
I could sense the nervousness in my doctor’s voice, so I spoke in whatever way I could to bring her peace and some joy….praying she would feel the presence of God through the phone. Without saying it, I needed her to know that no matter what she was about to tell me, I would not flip out on her and I would be ok. I tried to put her at ease without being obvious about it.
She started with my neck since there was nothing too scary there, but then she got to my brain….twelve lesions on the left and three on the right. She then informed me that she is sending me to a neurologist that specializes in MS, who is three hours away from home. The doctor continued to answer all my questions and allowed me to share my plan of attacking this naturally. I thanked her for all that she had done, and she then thanked me for my positivity and strength.
My heart did not race. My world did not stop. Tears did not flow down my face. Fear did not overtake my thoughts. So what did I feel?
I felt Peace……. I can’t express the peace that God poured over me in that moment. He has prepared my heart and mind to receive this news. Yesterday at church, we sang the song that says, “It is well with my soul.” Oh, my heart felt so much peace as I sang that out to God. As I sang, I prayed and told my Father that I sincerely meant and felt these words. That I would walk out these words, no matter the outcome of my MRIs. The joy and peace that came over me was indescribable. No matter our circumstances, our trials, the deepest of valleys, or the crappiest cards that we can be dealt, GOD IS STILL GOD, and that is enough for me. I lean on my Father who is never changing in an always changing world. When the winds of life come, I am unwavering because of His strength in me. I am not tossed about aimlessly by the storms of life because my roots grow so deeply in Him. I am not moved by the waves because my heart is anchored in the ONE who created the seas. It is well with my soul. I am Yours.
I felt Empowerment and Strength….. Hearing those words that would break a person’s heart, brought me so much strength. I strangely felt so strong when hearing the doctor share how my life is about to change. I felt empowerment and strength rush through my body as though I was about to enter an UFC cage for the fight of my life. Something was unleashed inside of me…..a warrior ready for battle. God has prepared me to fight. I am ready. I am not scared. I am not sad. I am not worried. I am a WARRIOR.
I felt Passion… I instantly felt a passion for all those who live with MS. My heart at once broke for those whose lives have been forever changed from this disease. I thought of the MS group that I had joined to ask questions before my MRI….the sadness, darkness, and hopelessness in the group was so overwhelming and heartbreaking. No, not all people stricken with MS, carry a mindset of defeat, but my heart became heavy for the ones that do. A fiery passion came over me to help all those who struggle to find joy in the midst of MS….to help free them from the mindset that brings bondage into their lives. A strong desire grew in my heart to test out a theory of natural healing and remedies on myself and then share with others. Yes, for some, there may not be an option. That breaks my heart even more and drives me to find a solution, another way, a cure. My heart broke for others, not for myself. I knew that I would be ok. I have the strength and love of God within me, a supportive family, an incredible church family, and a sisterhood like no other group of women I have ever experienced. I will be ok, but what about all the MSers who have been driven into a cave by this diagnosis? So many suffer silently and in isolation. I couldn’t imagine the last four weeks of this flare up without the community God has put around me. My heart broke and passion rose within me. God will use my MS to help others find freedom. MS was not a death sentence for me, but rather an opportunity to free others from their death sentence. I am a vessel.
So, there it is. I have MS, but it doesn’t have me. Would I choose this…no. It broke my heart holding my children as they cried after telling them the news. But it is what it is. We can’t always choose the outcome, but we can choose the process. We can’t always control circumstances, but we can choose how we respond and move forward. I will never forget November 11, 2019….not because it was the day my life took a tragic turn, BUT because it is the day that a WARRIOR within me was born…..a day that a new passion came alive….a day that marks the beginning of a battle that will teach my family so much about faith, strength, and love….a day that a journey begins that I know God will use to help so many. MS, you have chosen the wrong woman! God is about to shine and many lives are about to be changed.
Special edit on 11/7/2021
This blog was typed days after I received this life changing phone call. It is now nearing the two year anniversary, and it has been a God glorifying journey for sure! He has used it in so many ways! In January of 2021, He put on my heart to take a poem I wrote in the midst of a very painful and difficult MS moment, and put together an anthology from poets all over the world writing under the same title, but through their own pain and circumstance. An anthology that would share their story of rising and overcoming in hopes of inspiring hearts all over the world. Therefore, Today I Cried, but Tomorrow I’ll Rise was birthed and will be in hands of readers soon. Check out this link below for more info about the anthology.
